Team Darcy

So awhile ago I was out shopping with my mom and couldn't find a single damn thing I'd ever want to be seen wearing. Everything seemed to either make you look pregnant or have something to do with "Twilight". Stuff like this:


Blech. Freaking Twilight, with it's stupid sparkly vampires and emo werewoles. Gross. Anyway, this somehow turned into me deciding that instead of all this "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" bullshit we should all just start choosing "teams" from classic literature; Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet....Harry Potter (oh shit, that's a brilliant idea! Nobody steal it!). The first thing that sprang to mind was "Team Darcy", because really, isn't Pride and Prejudice's Mr. Darcy the epitome of classic literature's romantic hero? Seriously, Colin Firth could kick Robert Pattinson's ass any day of the week (at least, y'know, if it were like an acting skills fight). Darcy would be like "Psh, sparkly skin's for girls" and then Edward Cullen would go cry emo tears in a forest while listening to Snow Patrol or something.

Anyway, I jokingly told Jennifer about my idea and she immediately demanded that I make her a "Team Darcy" shirt. It was supposed to be for her bachelorette party, but...uh...I've never been great with deadlines (hence not getting it to her till 2 months after her wedding..oops?).

But today, FINALLY, I hijacked J's printer (and iron), made use of some iron on transfer paper, and finished my masterpiece (I'd designed the graphic ages ago so the hard part was done):



Okay, not the best picture 'cause the one I took with my actual camera and not my phone isn't uploading properly, but this still gives you a good idea. I'm honestly very proud of it, even if Sam of (miss)Adventures in Cooking mercilessly makes fun of me (don't listen to her, she totally wanted to wear shirts like this to work at B&N, she said so months ago when I first told her the idea. Also, I'm pimping her and Frankie's cooking blog so she better learn to keep her trap shut. Got that, Sami?!). I was originally going to make the picture take up more of the shirt, but Jennifer pointed out how that would make it harder to read the text (okay, really what she said is the text would wind up stuck under your boobs and then people wind up awkwardly staring at your chest trying to read your shirt without looking like a straight up perv).

So that was fun and remarkably easy. Iron on transfers seem to work way better than they did when I was a kid. Maybe I'll make more shirts if I have any more brilliant and nerdy brainstorms, so don't go stealing my ideas (especially that Harry Potter one). Seriously. I'll hurt you.

P.S. Stay tuned to SoyChaiBookshelf for pics of the shirt actually being worn (Jennifer promised she'd put up pics and now that I've written about it here she has to follow through. 'Cause you have to do whatever the internet says...right?)

Desperately trying to work in a "Godwin's Law" reference...

Just overheard a coworker say, "....for someone who has a Hitler complex...."

Now, I have absolutely no idea of the context and maybe I'm just really out of the loop but....

....what in the hell is a Hitler complex? Napolean complex, God complex, I've heard of those but seriously, what could you possibly mean when you accuse someone of having a Hitler complex? That's just kind of harsh. I mean, if you're talking specifically about a genocidal, vegetarian painter - okay, I get it. Otherwise...ouch. That's just mean.

"You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies."

"You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies."
- The Odd Couple

I absolutely HATE to cry in front of other people.

Crying is a thoroughly humiliating experience. You get all red and slimey and snotty and your voice sounds all wimpery and it's just embarrassing. More importantly, it feels like a huge sign of weakness. I know crying isn't REALLY a sign of weakness, but it sometimes feels like one.

For years I never cried in front of anyone except my mother. I wouldn't even let my father in the room when I was crying, which I know hurt him and I feel bad about. The thing is, he would give me this sad, helpless look and I couldn't bear it. I know he just wanted to help but seeing him so sad made me feel terrible in a way I didn't really understand when I was younger. What I've realized is the biggest problem about crying in front of someone else is that most of the time, I wind up feeling worse for them. It's terrible to see someone you care about in pain. Sometimes it's enough to make you want to fall down weeping yourself. In recent years I have in fact broken down and cried in front of my father, who now usually just rushes over and pulls me into a big hug. It's both comforting and saves me from having to see how sad he is to see his daughter cry (because you can't see someone's face when your head's buried in their shoulder!), so I'm all for the bear-hug solution.

Over time my disdain for crying in public has actually turned into this strange way of forcing me to put things into perspective. Once I start crying in front of someone, not only do I start to feel embarrassed but I see how it upsets them and all I want to do is make THEM feel better. I start thinking, "Well, come on, this is just silly. Nothing so bad has happened that I need to sit here and make someone else feel miserable over it." And then I realize not only is there no reason to make someone else feel miserable over my situation, there's no real reason for ME to be miserable over it, either. Before long I'm usually drying my eyes and thinking up sarcastic remarks to make the whole thing seem funny, because laughing is easier than crying and much more attractive, I think.

I guess giving in and crying in front of someone, even if it feels like showing a weakness, is something that winds up making me feel stronger. Instead of wallowing alone in self pity, I reached out to someone and realized maybe things aren't really as bad as they seem. And now, maybe, I can move on.

Texts From This Afternoon...Evening? Whatever

As sent this afternoon (evening?) to Jennifer of Soy Chai Bookshelf:

To: Jennifer
Sent: Aug 21, 6:56 pm
Today I saw a little boy speaking French, a mariachi band perform in a subway car, and a guy get his first hit in a major league game.

To: Jennifer
Sent: Aug 21, 6:57 pm
Oh, also I nearly cut a bitch at Penn Station and accidentally said "twat" in front of my father. Oops.


.

A Serious Discussion

YouTube always picks the weirdest screenshots to use for my videos...

By any other name...

I think my blog needs a new name. "You wanna hold hands on the way home?" is really a random line from an episode of "Family Guy" I was watching when I set up my blog (it was Stewie talking to Brian), but out of context it seems far more weepy, emo chick than I like.

Any ideas?

Just be alert when your pants are down...

Ugh!! I am so cranky over this stupid internet dating shit. It is so stupid!! I meet a guy on there, we have a few cute, flirty emails, I suggest meeting for coffee and get this weird, evasive deferral. He doesn't even explain it, just doesn't answer me and when I bring it up again is all, "Oh, we'll figure it out."

Thanks, guy, isn't that what I'm trying to do now? So I figure, okay, he's nervous, I'll just give him a bit of time and wait for him to bring it up.

He keeps IMing me and I reply, but now it's been maybe two weeks and I'm starting to get impatient (I'm looking for a date, not an internet boyfriend I never meet), and then he mentions maybe we should talk on the phone. Now I'm not so good on the phone even with someone I actually KNOW let alone some guy I've barely spoken to online. So finally, after declining the phone call invitation, I say "Look, guy, I'm just confused about why you didn't want to meet," and he explains that he just wants to get to know me better online and over the phone first so we don't meet and have a horrible experience.

Okay, I guess I get that, but to be honest - I'd way rather have a bad meeting over coffee that lasts an hour than spend weeks getting to know a guy I've never seen or spoken to just to decide we have absolutely no chemistry yet are now somewhat emotionally entangled and now I'm stuck breaking up with a guy who I'm not even dating!!!

(blogs are fun because you're totally allowed run-on sentences)

At work the other day I was distractedly skimming Gawker and found this article (which is really just pointing out yet another article) stating:

"Of all the new findings, among the most interesting is this: Less is more...That's because when people exchange a lot of information, they find more reasons to believe that they're very different, researchers say."

Being the picky little bitch I am, I whole-heartedly agree. I'm already terrified of this dating thing and looking for a reason to run for the hills. By telling me how much you love curling up for a night in watching "The Bachelor" and how you think Fox News is the absolute peak of journalistic integrity, you're just giving me more reasons to pack up and consider entering witness protection. How about we just leave a little mystery, save the scary, intimate confessions until at least date two, maybe even date three, just to be safe.

To make my point further, I think I'll turn to a quote that came to mind from one of my favorite Twitter pages (now a book and soon to be a TV show), @shitmydadsays:

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

And that, I think, sums up this long, stream of consciousness ramble quite nicely.

Goodnight.

Maybe internet dating could use some beer goggles...

I'm nearly two weeks into this online dating thing and so far - not all that impressed. It's not so much the guys (okay, maybe a little bit the guys), but a lot of my annoyance is with the site itself which keeps matching me up with guys that I clearly put down in my preferences as having no interest in (ie guys way too old for me and/or very far away - like in Indiana. Seriously? Indiana?!). The whole thing's just somewhat exhausting. Trying to e-mail someone you don't know and sound charming is way harder than you'd think. Plus skimming through all the guys you DON'T want to talk to is honestly kind of depressing. It makes me sound like a judgmental little bitch, but I spend a lot of time going through emails and profiles of guys thinking, "THESE are the guys who want to date me? What the hell does that say about ME? Ouch."

It's not that there's actually anything wrong with (most) of these guys, I'm just completely uninterested.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person, but that is kind of what these sites are for - being picky and choosy and judgemental - which is a lot easier to do on the internet than at a bar. It's easier to put yourself out there when you don't actually have to look a person in the eye, just like it's easier to say, "Oh, hell no!" when you don't ACTUALLY have to respond to cheesy come-ons. Not to mention most of the guy I've attempted to contact haven't responded, so who knows what they're secretly thinking when they see my profile.

I guess it's really just a numbers game. You put yourself in this HUGE pool of people, the odds are you're going to get more misses than hits.

Maybe this whole thing would be easier if I had a couple of drinks before checking my email...

Meanwhile, at least the cute boy at Wawa flirts with me when I get my iced tea in the morning. Not a bad way to start a day.

If Charlie Brown were a 25 year old woman...

I would like to preface this story by saying:  I'm not a large person.  In fact, I'm rather small.  As a kid I could only have been describe as scrawny, and while not as boney and twiglike as I was when I was younger, I'm still rather thin.  I wear size "small" t-shirts.  My dress size is about a 4.  I've been whining and moaning a lot lately about gaining a few pounds and how I feel fat, but the truth is, I'm still pretty small and I'm just complaining because - well - sometimes a girl just needs to complain, even if it's over something dumb and petty. 

 

I'm not saying this to sound like a snooty jerk bragging about her weight.  There's nothing wrong with being not small.  Or even with being large, as long as you're healthy and happy.  I'm just making the point about my size because to truly understand the hilarity of this story, you have to know, I'm small.

 

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So the other day I went shopping and bought this shirt in "knight navy" at Delias.  As with pretty much every shirt or dress nowadays, it's an "empire waist" meaning "we fashion designers think your waist belongs directly below your boobs". 
 
So I'm wearing my lovely new shirt at work today and I'm walking towards the bathroom with my hand kinda clutched near my waist (I have no pockets and I was trying to be discreet about the pad - as in sanitary napkin, not notebook - I was carrying.  Why I thought holding the thing in right in front of me was discreet, I have no idea.) and I run into one of the building's cleaning women.  She's pretty young, probably younger than me, and she doesn't speak much English at all, but I always smile and wave when I see her 'cause she spends a lot of time in the lobby where I sit cleaning and vacuuming and stuff.
 
Anyway, I run into the girl and I smile at her and she smiles back and suddenly she points at me and says, "You - baby?"
 
"Sorry?"
 
"You - baby?" And she's pointing at my stomach.
 
The girl thought I was pregnant.
 
Fortunately, turning bright red, waving my arms around and yelling "No! No! No!" gets the point across in almost any language.  
 
Stupid fashion designers and their stupid baby doll shirts.
 
I know it really has to be because of the shirt but still...I think this must be how Charlie Brown feels after Lucy pulls the football away.  Except fat.