Emails With No Context: The Return

Jennifer gets all the credit for this hilarious "Email With No Context", for which I of course hate her, but it was too funny and perfect for this series and therefore I begrudgingly allow her continued existence (also she makes yummy cupcakes). For those too lazy to read all the way through, I'll just say this: Skip down and read #8, it's really all you need.

To: Robin
From: Jennifer
Subject: Re: EXCESSIVELY LONG LIST EMAIL

1. I'm already three chapters in.
1b. I'm excessively naughty.

2. Lol, I have no idea if I was carried. Also, I HATE waking up to dirty dishes. It drives me crazy. Plus, we have the occasional fruit fly. So yeah.

3. I have no advice for you. :[

4. I HATE that. The taste bud. The rest too.

5. Sure and let's rewatch, just to be safe.

6. !!!!!!!

7. Lol. I know what that's like. There was this guy from my high school who's alway super-overly friendly and socially awkward and likes to touch you (not inappropriately, he's probably just imitating friendly hugs he sees) and always wants to talk and no matter how well he means any subject he chooses is inevitably like "OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME." But he's the nicest person in the world (except when he makes insensitive meat comments but even then I'm sure he doesn't get it) and it makes you feel awful. He's just socially inept.

8. Bring in a fiber-filled treat for everyone and see what happens. If there's no change, bring in a bowl of condoms.

TINY GIRAFFE TINY GIRAFFE

Guys! Guys! My cat TOTALLY does this when I give her kisses!!

Also, tiny giraffes WOULD make awesome pets. They could eat house plants!!
Science, after you cure cancer and world hunger could you get on this? Thanks.

The important part is "for all"...

You have a legal right to burn a match book, a comic book, even a holy book. What we protest is not your right to burn a book, but the malicious will behind it.

And yes, you have a right to your malicious will. But I have the right to stand up and say that I think you're wrong.

E-mails With No Context

Sometimes I write e-mails that I just find so amusing that I'm disappointed only the recipient gets to read them and then usually has no appreciation for the time and effort I put into crafting such a fantastic piece of prose. Then I realized - Hey, fuck this, I've got a blog, I'll just post my super awesome underappreciated e-mails on there! And even better, I won't bother explaining what they're actually about! Because that's funny, right? And also works perfectly with my innate laziness! Whatup, narcissism, you gorgeous bitch?!

And so I give you part one in my possibly continuing series:

E-mails With No Context
(or should it be "E-mails Without Context"? I dunno, I keep going back and forth.)

To: JS
From: Robin
Subject: You just lost The Game.

Since when do receptionists make presentations?

"If you look at slide 13, you'll see the proper wrist position for answering a telephone. The telephone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell in order to more efficiently prank his friends and neighbors as 'Ding Dong Ditch' and 'Step on the flaming pile of poo' were becoming antiquated and the amount of effort put into compiling the proper amount of dog poo was more trouble than soiling Watson's shoes was worth..."

Manic!Entry is Manic

Do you know what's worse than being stupid? Being blissfully, ignorantly happy about being stupid. This morning I stopped to at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru to grab a mocha on my way to work (they INSIST on calling it a "mocha latte" which is just DUMB because a mocha and a latte are two different drinks and forcing me to say "mocha latte" seriously offends my barista sensibilities). The guy at the window hands me a giant iced mocha even though I'd said I wanted a hot one (DD also tends to do this, they always just assume I want an iced drink instead of a hot drink, which again offends my barista sensibilities because to me unless you specifically say "iced", coffee and tea drinks are hot by default). This alone isn't stupid, I understand that mistakes happen and sometimes you mishear an order. The problem is that after I pointed this out and he walked away to make the drink I'd actually ordered, I decided I was running late enough already and couldn't wait for a new drink. The little glass window at the drive thru had already slammed shut so I tried to wave at him to come back - and he stood there with this dopey smile AND WAVED BACK AT ME. Seriously? Then he gives me this "one minute" gesture, points out that he's making my drink, AND THEN PROCEEDS TO STARE BLANKLY AT THE WALL. Really? C'mon guy, get a clue - why do you think I'm waving my arms around like a lunatic? Did you think I was landing a fighter jet? Perhaps the rhythm had suddenly got me and I was doing the YMCA? NO! I had to resort to banging on the little metal window ledge to finally get him to come back. And I had to bang HARD* and it hurt my hand and that is just NOT how I want to start my day, thank you! And the most obnoxious part of the experience was that he had this stupid, dopey smile on his face the whole time! I am by nature kind of a curmudgeonly little asshole, so it bothers me enough when people are overly cheerful, but to be overly cheerful AND stupid just makes me want to slap you.

In other news, when I got to work this morning and went to make a phone call a spider jumped out of the receiver. A SPIDER. I think it was a spider, it could have been some other kind of bug with a lot of legs, either way - the possible spider creature is no more. I didn't even scream or anything. Go me.

Now I have to go put things in numerical order. Lovely.


*that's what she said